I Went to Florida to be Probed by Space Aliens – Day Three

So after Day One and Two of being probed by space aliens in Florida, how could Day Three be worse? Well the first two days were based on mental anguish without anything that was really painful especially if you don’t count my drinking a dozen glasses of water to flush the dye out of my system. Day Three included testing methods that depended on physical pain and being electrocuted. No Lie! (To start at the beginning of my Alien Encounter Go Here.)

The nerves in your body carry electrical impulses to the muscles to tell them to move. The speed that the impulse moves determines how quick your reflexes are and if the electrical impulse doesn’t move at all, then you are paralyzed. Nerve Conduction Studies are used to determine damaged nerves that do not transmit electricity.

Over my lifetime, I have been electrocuted several times starting at age 5 when I first started playing with electricity, again at age 12 when I built my first hod dog electrocuter, age 16 when playing with the ignition coil on my 40 ford coup (20,000 volts) and during my adult life whenever I got careless. Electrocution is not really painful, it is “shocking” and causes an involuntary response at every level. The image of the bucking body with a defibrillator or Frankenstein being brought back to life with an electric shock are very real at almost any level of electricity applied to the body.

Nerve conduction studies should be obviously simple a probe is attached to the upper arm and an electrical impulse is applied to the nerves in the wrist area and the speed of the impulse is measured. If the nerve is damaged and there is no response, they just up the power until you do respond. When the power is high enough, your body bucks all over the bed just like a Frankenstein monster and it is a complete body response with arms and legs on both sides twitching in an involuntary manner.

Now since some nerves are damaged and some not, you never really know when the technician is going to up the power. Also since nerves at the wrist are like branches of a tree compared to the upper arm, there are multiple places for them to probe before they get a complete picture.

After the random and aggravating electrocution process had gone on for some time, I asked the nurse if she got her training during the Inquisition and got no response.

The next test was only slightly less aggravating and administered by the neurologist, Dr. Luis Figueroa.

In Electromyography, a very thin flexible wire about three inches long is shoved through your skin and the doctor tells you to flex various muscles while he listens to static. The test is really not painful if you are comfortable with the concept of a thin flexible wire being shoved into your body at various locations on the arm.

I told him my comment about the torture and the Inquisition. His wry answer was that my question was rude because the Technician was far to young to be around for the Inquisition and it should be obvious that the quality of the training could only be had at Guantanamo. Well at least my doctor had a fine sense of humor which is good.

At the end of the day, Dr. Figueroa said that he found a small blemish on the brain that could be associated with a sub-acute stroke but he would like a heart specialist check me out to make sure I didn’t have any additional problem. Yes, the neck was bad but he would be happier if there were two months from the incident before I had the operation. The tests for the day were for carpal tunnel syndrome and yes I have that and may need it operated on someday.

Day four of testing was actually Probe Lite as nothing was intimidating or painful. I had an EKG and echocardiogram which is pretty much a sonogram and as most mothers know this is not a terribly evil test. Both tests came out fine.

Obviously the red wine had won the battle of clogged arteries and my only problem was my blood pressure was high. But go figure, my wife died six months ago and my grandchildren were still suffering, I went back to the gym, lost 40 pounds, was paralyzed, my mother died, traveled 1500 miles to the funeral two weeks after being paralyzed, I had a brain scan, been pumped full, of dye and electrocuted. I am amazed and thankful that the stress didn’t kill me.

My story would end right her but during cocktail hour yesterday, people were asking me about the neck brace and I said that it is hard to conceive of any test worse than my Nerve Conduction Studies. One woman popped up and said she could top me. First she had it done twice, once locally and again when she went for the operation. In addition, they had done her legs and she pointed to a spot, just below the end of her bating suit in the groin area where they attached the fixed electrode.

As a guy I cringed and accepted that the fact that her alien probe experience was far worse than mine.


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2 Responses to “I Went to Florida to be Probed by Space Aliens – Day Three”

  1. I Went to Florida to be Probed by Space Aliens – Day Two « Too Young To Be Old! Says:

    […] John Boyd 2010 « I Went to Florida to be Probed by Space Aliens – Day One I Went to Florida to be Probed by Space Aliens – Day Three […]

  2. Ron Stapleton Says:

    Hi John,

    Hope the surgery goes well!!! give me a shout if you need anything at all.


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